sorry, i couldn't blog.... i was washing my cat...

whenever i don't want to do something, and i need to come up with a totally transparent excuse, i say "sorry, i can't do {insert avoided activity here}, i have to wash my cat." it's such a blatant lie that it easily conveys the sense of hell no, i would rather do any inane act than do whatever it is you want to do. cat washing -- the universal avoidance tool.

so have i really been spending the last two blogless months cat washing? nope. just once. and let me tell you, once was enough. scoutie and i were making breakfast one morning, and whiskey came running through the kitchen. her face was *covered* with cobwebs. we grabbed her to get them off, and realized that our usually white kitty was black from the belly down. next, boo came trundling by, and he had the same affliction. clearly these cats had been doing something naughty. we discovered that the cats had somehow gotten into the attic, which is full of roofing tar. boo has been trying to get in that room for 8 years. fucking roofing tar! so we threw them in the bathroom together while we finished our breakfast, grabbed the camera, and readied ourselves for the task ahead. cat washing.

for those of you who have never washed a cat, i have a suggestion. don't. but if for some reason you absolutely need to, let me walk you through it.

  1. dirty boodirty whiskeyFind a very dirty cat in need of cleaning.
  2. Decide that once you are going through the hell, maybe your miserable cat would like company so he doesn't feel so foolish and alone. Grab another cat.
  3. Fill up a small tub with warm water and a dash of Johnson's Baby Shampoo.
  4. Grab the cat with a death grip around his middle that shows you mean business. this is no time to worry that you are holding him too tight. hold him tighter!
  5. wet booDip the cat in the water, and squoosh him down until he is up to his neck in the water. Careful, this is often where they get a little pissy. Hold 'em tight and whatever you do DON'T LET GO!
  6. Don't worry too much about scrubbing. The cat will be fighting and biting and clawing so much to get out of the water that he will likely lather himself up with the effort.
  7. Once you figure he's been tortured enough, take him out of the small tub, and set him down. Pour warm, clean, water over him until there are no suds left.
  8. wet boo (2)Take the pathetic, shivering, cat, and wrap him in a towel to dry him off.
  9. By this point, all the fight has probably gone out of your cat. He will just lay there licking himself dry and glaring balefully at you. Take this opportunity to grab your camera and take photo's of his tiny chicken feet.
  10. Repeat with the next cat.
  11. wet whiskeyBlow them dry with a hairdryer set on low if needed. Be careful not to point the dryer directly at their eyes or ears. They don't like it, and I don't blame them. Have you ever accidently suctioned your contacts to your eye by not paying attention to where the hairdryer is? It sucks. And the poor cat has been through enough, don't you think?
  12. Now the cat is clean and dry, and you are probably soaking wet and bloody. Get out that first aid kit and clean yourself up.
so, sorry for the hiatus folks. as you can see, i've been busy. i was washing the cat.


Anonymous said...
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Mom said...

I figured anyone who could pill a cat as well as you do would have no trouble washing one. I can see that I was sorely misguided.

banky said...

Awesome! Are you, by chance, available to wash Bertha?! I will *totally* give you a shiny new quarter!

Anonymous said...

Why is it that all cats when being washed make that unholy yowling that sounds like you're giving them the old bamboo-under-the-claws bit.

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Anonymous said...
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MDG said...

I know where you've really been!

Anonymous said...

Wow. No wonder you've been too busy to share your wacky lives with the world. I figured you were both so busy baking Christmas cookies that you'd been unable to fulfill your blog duties. Shayne promised me an extra-big box this year....okay, she really didn't, but you can't blame me for trying!

taylor said...

In my opinion the best way to wash the cats is to give them a shower with anti germs shampoo.

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